TW: Rape


I am Zoya. I want to share my experience of living with my partner. I met him almost ten years ago on a dating site. We left the virtual world early and made love on our first date. He contacted me very quickly and immediately wanted to do more.

The "honeymoon" phase lasted over a year: we made love every day, even several times a day. After a while, the routine and work made me less "eager" and at that point, I realized that this option was not possible for him. He was very insistent, and if I didn't agree, he quickly moved on to bullying.

At six in the morning, during the 35-minute lunch break between my two jobs ... I had to agree to be with him. At first, since he was very jealous, I tried to convince myself that letting him do it was a way to appease him, but it only made things worse. It was becoming an obsession. He could harass me for days if I didn't have the energy for sex. He accused me of not loving him anymore, said I was cheating on him until I finally burst into tears, and left him.

Jealousy had completely taken over him, he had started checking my phone, my computer, my email. I couldn't go out with male friends anymore and soon he became aggressive. So, I went away for a while. But I still loved him, I went back and from that moment on I was forced to be ready for his every signal, announced with the words "Let's do it".

Most days, after breakfast and a cigarette in the morning, I had to drop everything and go to bed with him. All I felt was anxiety, fear, and letting it happen to find some peace. Every day I expressed to him my suffering in this life because I no longer felt I was doing, the things I wanted. When I got pregnant, he 'forgot' me for nine months because a priori I no longer aroused him physically."

"But ten days after giving birth he started again, tried to sodomize me. Even if I shouted 'No', he understood 'Yes'.

Eventually, I refused all contact, after months of arguments in which I tried to make him understand that he couldn't go on like this. In response, he decided to use my body, even while I slept. I resisted for eight months before I left that bed. Eight sleepless months marked by anxiety. I begged him to stop, I explained the harm he was causing me, that I loved him but that I was afraid of him. 

I saw a psychologist for a while to find some peace and clear things up a bit. He was helpful, gave me strength. I feel anger towards him but also towards myself. I have allowed him to take advantage of me, to the point that he is no longer interested in my consent, taking me for some kind of blow-up doll. But that anger today gives me the strength to fight to restore my dignity.

I have been begging him for a year to consult someone, but he does nothing. He starts his nightly raids again once we share the same bed. He believes his behavior is healthy and tells me he will cheat on me if I don't "respect" him again. I don't know what to do anymore: if I leave him, surely, he'll go to another, and in that case, won't I be responsible for the breakup of the family as well?